I recently had a conversation with one of my happily married friends that got me thinking.
She said, “The sex itself is really good, but I don’t look forward to it like I think I’m supposed to because the foreplay sucks (not literally)”.
While many of you might read this and feel that her statement is contradictory, it made a lot of sense. Contrary to popular belief, foreplay is not sex.
If the foreplay doesn’t feel right or isn’t any good, the intercourse will lose a lot of its appeal, if not most of it.
What is foreplay?
Foreplay is the physical and emotional connection that’s established before actual sex transpires.. It’s a chance to build up anticipation and make your love life exciting every opportunity you get, just like when you first became attracted to someone.
Remember that feeling? And the reality of it is, if you or your partner aren’t giving it your best effort, it’ll fall flat, and the spark will be gone as quick as it lit up.
But foreplay can take on many forms. It’s not about diving right into oral sex (maybe sometimes); it’s more subtle than that and shouldn’t be rushed.
Here’s a list of things that are considered foreplay:
- A romantic date. Yes, that’s foreplay!
- Dancing in the living room. Yup, foreplay.
- Telling your partner why you’re attracted to them. That’s foreplay.
- Sexting or flirting on the phone even if you’re in the same room.
- Cuddling together
- Kissing. When is the last time you made out without it needing to lead to sex?
- Cooking together
- Giving a massage
- Orgasmic meditation. A bit out there, but still foreplay and not sex.
- Fellatio, cunnilingus. It’s not the be-all and end-all, but yes this is very good foreplay.
While all the foreplay mentioned above might differ from what you thought of as foreplay, they all share one fundamental characteristic – they all involve spending quality time together.
It’s all about sending the right message.
A date, for example, says you want to spend time with your partner without any distractions. Cuddling shows intimacy and a need to be close to your partner.
Don’t get me wrong, foreplay can and must also be a prelude to sex, but foreplay also needs to be a standalone attraction and not only associated with sex.
Who needs foreplay?
Everyone. I speak to many people who tend to overshare their sexual desires and past experiences; my profession makes sure of this (I sell adult toys to clarify), including strangers, friends, and, unfortunately, family.
The single most memorable and consistently mentioned memory I hear is of a partner giving them oral sex without expecting anything in return afterwards – young and old alike.
So, if your foreplay is lacking, know that you deserve more and better. Let’s look at what you can do to improve that.
How can you improve foreplay?
Flirt – go back to the memory of when you first met and think about how you used to flirt. Bring a bit of that back into the relationship.
Dress sexy – make an effort to look good, even if it’s around the house.
Talk about sex or something erotic – this can be a tough one for some people, but being open about your erogenous zones or “hot spots” can open many doors. As much as a lack of communication can be a killer in a relationship, good communication can seriously improve things.
Make out – kiss without having it go to sex immediately. If you don’t know how to start this again, use your morning kiss to linger a bit longer or kiss them twice and remember to soften those lips.
Buy them a naughty gift – you should know more or less what your partner likes, and if you don’t know, ask. You can consider getting them some sexy lingerie, body candles or a sex toy they can use by themselves and together with you.
Spend time together – you don’t need to be extravagant, a date night at home with phones off works equally well as a romantic weekend away. The key here is that you devote time to each other without any distractions or interference.
Surprise your partner with something sexy – get some sexy lingerie, light up some candles, switch off the lights and open a bottle of wine. Take a nice long bath together.
I love sex as much as the next person, don’t get me wrong, but sex without foreplay is like only watching the endings of movies or only reading the last page of a book.
You need context! It’s good to shake things up now and then, irrespective if you’re in a new relationship or have been married for forty years. Foreplay is just the way to do that and so much more.